There were more than 200 people at the Memorial Service - mostly my parents' "newly adopted" Lakeridge Green friends from over the past 15 years. Some very special notable attendees that day included Noel Moore. A friend of the family since before I was born. Noel and Linda are Lakewood royalty - having graduated Lakewood High School in the 1950s! Noel's wife Linda and my mom have been close for more than 50 years and had become best friends over the past 10 since Noel and Linda had also moved down to South Florida. My mom has never truly recovered from Linda's death from cancer a few years ago. My first time seeing Noel since Linda's passing was Wednesday when he came to hospice to see Dad. Noel is still shaky at best from Linda's passing - still quick with the one-liners - but lost, and trying to find his way. I was glad to see him at hospice and was glad he had a chance to say goodbye to Dad. Judy and Sandy Gold, another of my parent's closest friends - we grew up calling Aunt and Uncle. They had previously made plans to spend Thanksgiving and Channukah in Jersey with their kids and grandchildren. They were heartbroken not to be with us during this time - but have since come back to South Florida and have spent much time with mom including having her with them for New Year's Eve. One of my oldest friends Scott Cotenoff, with his sister Beth, made it to the last night of shiva on Wednesday at mom's house in a weird turn of events. I stayed thru Tuesday (and was back to work on Wednesday), Scott's dad Irv - who I loved spending time with when our families would see each other a couple of times each year when we were kids - passed away a number of years ago. Scott's mom, Ellen is fighting her own battle in Jeresy, was unable to make the trip. However, Irv's sister, Scott's Aunt, passed away days after Dad and Scott and Beth made the trip to Boca to represent the family and come visit mom - I hope to see Scott again soon to thank him in person for his thoughtfulness throughout this past year. Aunt Ruthie and Cousin Josh made the trip from California. Ruthie and my
Dad had a sister/brother bond that can not be explained. I like to think that bond has been extended between myself, Jeff, Jodi and Josh - so much so that we had Josh wear the traditional black ribbon during the service - typically given only to immediate family. Having Ruthie and Josh there made a horrible thing feel a little less horrible.
And of course mom's cousins, Janice, Nancy and Nancy's husband Allan. (Their brother Michael came to see Dad a couple of weeks earlier on his way back to Chile to be with his expectant wife.) I consider Michael one of my closest family members and have always looked up to him as some "extended older brother". I missed him not being there but know he's been with us in spirit through this ordeal and understand completely. Janice, Nancy and Allan, and Michael, and mom have been through a lifetime together. Growing up in Bound Brook and Piscataway and spending the summers in Lavalette there is strength that comes from the life they've shared and the tragedies they've endured together - there are names too painful to list here now - suffice to say that the Weisbrods, Youngs and Soschins have become all too familiar with the traditions, pain and emptiness that come with this kind of thing. They needed to be there, to help us through it, we could not have gotten mom through this without them - they are our family.
In another display of unselfishiness and support, El's parents, (my in-laws) made the trip down from Jersey for the memorial service and funeral. Glenn and Judy Parker flew down to provide their support. I was touched by their thoughtfulness and will never forget their being there for us. As it was, Glenn drove El and boys to the Philly airport Thanksgiving at 8 in the morning. Then they turned around and flew down themselves Saturday and appeared in the reception line at the memorial service on Sunday! A pleasant surprise and welcome comfort to mom, El, the boys and me.... thank you Glenn and Judy.
Jodi and Jeffrey spoke beautifully during the service. As the youngest and the only girl, Jodi had a very special relationship with Dad - always. Jodi did us all proud and spoke sweetly about the comfort and support
Dad always seemed to provide. In the end Jodi wished Dad a "shlef guzent" sweet dreams - which is what he wished us each and every night.
Jeffrey was next and reminded us of the story Dad would tell the three of us when we would fight, of the three little white horses (all brothers and sister) who, when they worked together, defeated the greatest collection of other trained teams - classic Dad story that brought us right back to 1750 Central Avenue. Jeff has developed a wonderful way of expressing himself and I know Dad was especially proud of the way Jeff has built and grown his client base - with personality and grace - just like Dad.
I was next and did what I could to get through a reading of the following. I had been developing it in my head for years - when I allowed my mind to wander and imagine the worse. I began putting "pen to paper" as it were Thursday morning and completed it late Saturday night in time to print it out at the hotel and bring it with me Sunday morning...
_______________________________________________________
Sunday
November 28
Dad -
To Dad’s daughters-in-law and son-in-law; Ellen, Kelli, and Lonnie –
Dad had a special place in his heart for each of you. He never judged – he may have questioned – but he never judged. He accepted, embraced, and loved you because he saw how much we loved each of you. His wish was always for our happiness.
To Dad’s six grandchildren; Sam, Matthew, Jake, Max, Melanie and Eric –
I believe in my heart that we had your Poppa, Grandpa for months longer than we should have because he was fighting for the chance to be with you – to spend more time with each of you. He took such pride and pleasure in each of your accomplishments from bar mitzvahs to soccer, to basketball, to wrestling, to lacrosse – he rooted for you – felt your losses – and celebrated your victories.
I’m looking at you guys now and realize that we have so many family celebrations ahead of us – we need to promise that we will celebrate each one together in a way that will also celebrate Dad’s life – know that Dad’s with us – always.
To Mom and Dad’s dear friends of Lake Ridge Greens –
Thank you for your years’ of friendship and love – when mom and dad first moved down and dad started getting to know each of you and making friends as he so easily does, we joked with mom that she better find a way to make some friends of her own - Now as President of the Women’s Club and involved in so many different activities and functions each year – Dad found a way to teach mom how to make friends…
To my Dad’s family and long-time, childhood and Lakewood friends – some who are with us today – others who have sent their love and support from around the world… we have lost our kind, sweet, gentle Morty this week – on Thanksgiving no less. Anyone who knows Dad knows that he had a kind of kinship with Thanksgiving. Family, Food, Football, Four day weekends, Forgetaboutit…… Noel Moore will tell you that my Dad never met a buffet he didn’t like - to which my Dad could be heard responding…. Hey, keep the line moving up there – will ya!
To my sister Jodi –
I may have been his first born, and Jeffrey may be Dad’s recreation of himself…right down to his strong hands – he can kill you with his thumb… but his love for you was without compare – you have something so special with Dad… and that does not end today…
To Mom –
You kept Dad moving for more than 50 years.
The one constant I remember throughout our days in Lakewood and beyond was when Dad would put something down for a minute… a piece of mail, a section of the newspaper, a note with a phone number on it – just place it down for a minute – and when he came back around to get it – it would have been swooped up and thrown in the trash…
Rhoda – where is my ______?!
I don’t know Mutt – I threw it out!?
Kids – if I fall asleep on the couch – don’t let her throw me out in the trash…
Mom – he loved you with all his heart and we all knew it.
To my brother Jeff –
Jodi and I thank you for taking the lead these past months. This has been a taxing, difficult, heart-wrenching time for us all. Made that much easier by you taking the lead; making the drives over, spending time, intervening with the doctors, updating us on the phone - You’ve carried the brunt of this for us little brother and for that (and for many other things) you are my hero.
So, To Dad –
Let me tell you all the things I hated about my Dad:
1. My Dad could talk to anyone, anywhere, about any topic – and often did.
Growing up this would drive me nuts – whenever I went anywhere with him – it was guaranteed he would “run into someone” and a 5 minute errand would take an hour.
When he and mom first moved down to Florida we called him the Mayor of Lake Ridge Greens – he could not walk from his place to the clubhouse without stopping and talking and engaging – he could be gone for hours – somewhere between the pool and the tennis courts - talking….
It wasn’t until much later that I appreciated Dad’s knack for conversation and his true love of people.
2. My Dad was not a great business man. During our Freehold, NJ liquor store days I spent literally hundreds of hours working with him in the store - watching what I thought was him giving things away and trusting people I thought were not trustworthy.
He gave everyone off the street his lose change or a couple of dollars out of his pocket to cover their tab. Every sales rep with a couple of donuts and a fresh cup of coffee was guaranteed to meet his monthly quota after visiting with Dad. This would drive me nuts and I would get angry at him – to be sure.
It wasn’t until much later that I appreciated my Dad’s high-level of respect for all people and his ability to build personal, long-lasting friendships even in an otherwise negative and unfriendly environment.
3. Dad was slow – this did not improve as time went on. And I am sorry to say neither did my patience for him. Bathroom, Shower, Shave, Dress to get out of the house for Saturday night dinner – too late Dad, maybe we can make Sunday brunch….
It wasn’t until much later that I appreciated how methodical he was – he enjoyed getting dressed, he loved taking mom out, he was so proud of us all – he relished time – he loved the process not the end result.
4. Dad always had a way of checking in or checking up on us – it was not uncommon for him to be sure I had packed enough for an upcoming business trip – for many years it made me feel inferior – Dad, I’m married with two kids – I know how many pair of underwear to pack for a three day trip – I’ll be fine – PLEASE!
A couple of years ago I was on a business trip and came down to a meeting in my typical suit and tie – a European colleague in a heavy accent turned to another (in front of a group no less) and said, Andy… you are always dressed so well – your shirts are always so crisp – how do you do that… and somewhat sheepishly, but then prouder said – my Dad… he makes me pack everything in plastic!!!
It wasn’t until much later that I appreciated just how much Dad cared and worried about us – constantly, quietly, sincerely, worried and concerned for our safety, health and happiness.
5. Dad was always so emotional. We always made fun of him growing up and especially when we all started reaching milestones in our own lives… getting married, having children, celebrating bar-mitzvahs. There was always one constant at any and all of these occasions – Dad crying.
I was never really sure what to make of this and for the most part joked about it with him or dismissed it as just Dad being overly sentimental.
It wasn’t until much later that I appreciated where this emotion came from – it was from a pure, honest, heartfelt place – he truly loved and he had the ability to have us feel his love….
So – what was it I was saying about hating my father….
It wasn’t until much later that I appreciated just how much I loved him, how much I respected and wanted to be like him… It wasn’t until much later that I appreciated a quote from the poet Herman Hesse – If you a hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.
I owe everything I am today to my Dad – I tried to express this to him in a stupid Father’s Day card I sent this past June that he never got to read… in closing, I would like to read it to him now.
Father’s Day June 2010
Dear Dad,
Thanks for showing me how to be the best husband and father a man can be.
I’ve been following your lead for years and could not have asked for a better role model.
Love,
Andy
